First: A Change of Heart

People can experience dramtic change if they first have a change of heart. 

It would be encouraging if we could only change slowly and in small steps. So here is good news. 

There was once a 6 ft. 2 in. 240lb. young man who was strong, quick, stubborn, and had a temper at times. Some would say he was a little on the rough side as he smoked, occasionally got drunk, and went to parties with a rough crowd. 
I tell this story because all this stopped. Not gradually either. But very quickly. 
One day, I asked him how, unlike so many others; who had a hard time to stop smoking nad drinking, he could do it so quickly and completely. I don't recall his exact wrods but the central point was that he didin't want something like cigarettes or liquor controlling him or his life. 

The majority of experimental research findings in psychology leads to the conclusion that our change or growth is slow and gradual. There are exceptions as observed in the adolescent growth spurt or in the "ah-ha" experience in solving a problem.  
But, the general conclusion based on observations and experiements is that there is a gradual improvement as a result of rewarded pratice. From B.F.Skinner's theories and research comes the recommended procedure for changing anothers behavior. It is to gradually reward successive approximations of the desired behavior. At first, the subject in the experiment or person in the treatment will not be able to make the complete desired response. but can ıonly make a small part of hte desired action or behvaior. Therefore, if they make a small approximation  then they should be rewarded and each subsequent reward should only be given when they make a slightly more complete approximation of the desired behavior. This is not the way to do things in a marraige or partnership. 
In contrast, when one focuses  on the spirit of another person the observable behavior and actions become less important. Instead how the spirit feels or perceives is the critical and most important element. Behavioral change follows a change in the spirit. Fortunately, changes in the spirit can occur quickly, dramatically, and completely. A person's behavior changes quickly and markedly to be congruent with teh change in the inner spirit. This is the ideal way to bring about change in marriage. 
There is no disputing the fact that extenal pressure, rewards, and a combination of carrot and stick can change behavior. The disadvantage is that the behavioral change will usually be given grugingly, slowly and  only enough to gain the rewards or avoid the punishment. When a person's heart is touched, behavioral change will be spontaneous, dramatic and enduring. 

It's not about Changing, It's about Changing For The Better

It is an advantage to grasp this simple concept.  Of course, one must first accept the belief that change it good. 

Luke was one of those self- made men. He came from a disadvantaged childhood and succeeded in school, althetlics, and now, financially. He was proud of what he had become through his own efforts and owed nobody anything. His new bride aored him and he was confident that he could and would do whatever was required to be successful in maintaining her devotion and love. 

  But, life is more powerful than any one man. As a husband it was hard not to ever make mistakes and to be right 100% of the time. Luke began with a positive self- concept, high self- esteem, and an identity as a person who was competent, smart, wise, always virtuous, and never failing. Gradually, he experienced small failures as a grown man with stiff competition. The failures were small and he learned from each, but as soon as he had corrected one mistake, or weakness, another surfaced. 

Luke was smart and one day he had a great realization. Instead of becomng stronger, smarter, more athletic,and more suprerior, he was with age actually decreasing in the attributes upon which he has built his self- image. He wasn't even as good looking as he used to be. He was changing and not for the better. Before it was too late, Luke discovered that he could not fight nor prevent change. In that very moment his emotions experienced a new freedom and he let go of what he was to accept the challenge and excitement of becoming a new man. 

"He became an entirely different person when he moved to California, He can't be trusted around her", "He was not that kind of person when he was younger", or "He was never that way with me". These statements illustrate how people are changing is buttressed by the whole field of developmental psychology. Change in this academic discipline is the one constant in understanding human behavior. It is not a matter of whether we change, but, who much we change, why, when and where. 

  Return for a moment to a previous discussion where we noted that a change in one's bodily state, such as going from sickness to health, or from drug use to sobriety, influences both mind, and/or spirit. 
There are also some contexts where there are extreme and pronounced effects simultaneously on body, mind and spirit. The great changes in your identity are those associated with inevitable changes in space and time which are of course part of your life events.  Great dramatic changes come from your identification, relationships, and interaction with those intimately loved and God. Religious writings are replete with total transformations seen in individuals who report that God came into their lives. And the bulk of literature throughout the ages is filled with personal transformation related to loving another. 

So, it is too easy to answer the question of whether we change. The important question is how much we can change for the better?      

Seek Stability But Love Change

Here is a story about stability. 

Susan's father was an alcoholic. her mother neglectful and she lived in the slums most of her very unstable life. Beautiful and intelligent, she was able to find work and graduate from the University. After a few years she found herself the mother of three and the wife of a man who had a hard time holding a job and was not physically or socially attractive. She had ample reasons to seek a divorce but never wavered in her devotion or love and commitment to her husband and children. She was a rock, a rock of stability. With an unstable past, a tumultuous present. and a hard future it is hard to explain why this woman and many like her can be the strength and stable grounding for their families. It is that focusing on others rather than self bring stability?

There is an important but almost totally overlooked dynamic that helps us unerstand how we exist. It is the relative strength of the spirit tot eh body at any moment in timöe. You can understand this by first noting that the body is constantly changing based on nutrition, energy, rest, stimulation, circumstance, training, etc. The body can be strong, weak, active, and passive while constantly changing. 

   It is less obvious but equally plausible that the mind and spirit may also have the same characteristics. If so, then what a person is at any moment is a complicated give and take interplay between a dynamic vacillating and changing body, mind, and spirit. They all act together, as a unity, to produce at each moment a person, a different person, and a unique person. 
  In life, we constantly try to find stability; fortunately there is stability. But, why are some people more stable than others and to what do you attribute stability? The answer must reflect the extent to which their biochemsitry, mind or spirit give them stability. 
To explain how some can be so stable and responsible while constantly being in a state of change, always moving forward, as an unfolding person, is to consider other sources of stability. 
                      Three possible sources of stability are:
                    1. Being identified or responsible to other
                    2. Being connected to God
                    3. Living according to your conscience

Remeber these three ways to be stable as they are related to information that will be discussed later. In the example above, Susan's stability was living in harmony with her conscience. Mmost likely her conscience would have directed her attention to what she needed to do for others rather than a focus on self. But, Susan may also be identified with her children and husband that she just could not be self-serving. 
  Next we will turn our direction to a new, but related direction in this discussion. 
   

Seek And Embrace Change

 A message from Dena Jensen 
Dear Readers, 
    As it is the New Year's Eve, I found this appropriate to post. I think we can look back on this year of 2012 and see the changes in the world. Our New Years' are usually brought in with reflection of the past year, and resolutions of the New Year. I propose to make changes within you and when chaging, seek the best you, and the most happy you in those changes. This year make it about a true change of personal growth. Be happy and excited for this new you! 
 Thank you for reading our Posts and as you continue to read, my dad and I will continue to post. 
Happy New Year to all! 

We are always changing

  Your approach to relationships with your family and friends especially with your marraiges might be expanded by considering a change of heart or what is sometimes called an awakening of the spirit. This is convincing when reading the case studies in William James's (1842-1910) classice book, "Varities of Religious Experience". 
 William James is known as the father of American Psychology, and he reported firsthand accounts of persons who had an awakening of their spirit that was strong enough to immediately and dramatically change their behavior, thinking and lives. This then leads us to another story:

Bob was a health enthusiastic and euqally dedicated to maintaining his mind. He kept both mind and body in great shape. Bob was rational, analytical, and thoughful. When relationg with his wife he had the energy to give a lot of attention to her. He provided her everything and yet she found her relationship with him had no "zip, zing or spice". She found him lacking. Realizing this he tried to tell more jokes, travel to extoci destinations, and meet more friends of her liking. But, nothing he did helped, and though he tried to change, he still remained quite boring and unintersting. Can he change, should he change? If so, how could it happen? 

Decades ago, it was popular in psychology deptartments to teach a course ono individual differences. A book entitled, "Stability and Change in Human Characteristics", by Benjamin Bloom was often used. Benjamin Bloom convincingly showed that this matter about stability and change was a central question that needed and answer. Now, half a century later, there is still no accepted resolution to the question of stabillity and change. 
In general, we act as if each individual were a stable material object. However, when much reflection is given to this question, the answer is in favor of emphasizing change. You and I, and all people change during the course of their life. During the year, during the day, and even each moment. It is more useful to conclude that in understanding people we are dealing with constantly changing entities and not stable objects. Wouldn't you agree? 
  With the question of mind, body, and spirit, there is a quantitive jump in complexity. We know the changes in the mind influence the body. we know that bodily changes dramatically alter the mind, but now we add the spirit and the interactions jump multifold. Those who seem to know most about the spirit point out that the spirit also changes. Experssions as: "The Sprit Soared", "The spirit was strong that day", and "The experience seem to have broken his spirit", lead to the belief that people's spirits range from strong and vibrant to weak or dead. Sometimes it seems that the spirit departs for a period of time and we feel the absence. Differences in spirit are said to vary from person to person, and within the person, from time to time and place to place. Whenever this happens, people are changed. 
 Thus, when we consider that all of us are constantly changing it is foolish to fight personal change or try to project an image that we are a finished product. Pretending that we are stable will clash with the truth, and increased unwanted personal instability will be one of the by products. 
      

Choosing To Be Good

Choosing to be good is the surest way to live free. 

This concept is a little hard to explain. However, maybe this true story about a grandfather who lived his whole life on a homestead in Star Valley, Wyoming will help you understand the message I am trying to convene. 

Lorenzo was a poor dairy farmer. With little money, and having to milk his cows twice a day, 365 days a year, he hardly had any free time, nor could he afford to do things most men would choose to do. It would seem that his poverty robbed him of what many would consider freedom. Yet, this man was happy, laughed a lot, and had few complaints that could not be handled through humor. He enjoyed the respect of his family and friends. Twice a day he would offer prayers of gratitude to the Lord. He loved his horse, dog, grandchildren, and sons who worked on the farm with him. He was known for his honesty, kindness, and good nature. By living a good life, by living truthfully, by living true to his conscience, could it be said that he was living free? 

In our society, the core question of political, economic, legal and metaphysical philosophy is the question of freedom. It is also an obsession among the general population to be personally free. While this question may not be as important as those presented earlier the freedom question will not go away. So, at this time you might want to reexamine, "How free am I?"
   This question and answer that you pose, however, depends on the definition of freedom. Often freedom is associated with the term, "agency", referring to the belief that people are free agents. In the usual way of thinking, refers to having the conditions and opportunity to have choices, to say and do as one pleases. Another definition refers to the ability to make choices. A more profound and deep understanding of freedom has to do with how you live. Are some ways of living the key to being free? 
 In this last way of defining freedom it is how you live that determines your true and honest experiences of human freedom. Inthe simpilist terms, it is defining freedom as that state of being that occurs when living a life that is congruent with your true nature or conscience. The relevance of this discussion about freedom is that in marriage both husband amd wife often complain of losing their freedom. That complaint has merit according to some of the definitions, but in reality, both marriage partners can experience a more joyful and complete feeling of freedom by living true to their conscience. 
 The important point to recognize is that in marriage more of the problems, decisions, choices, and opportunities will be about non-material things. It is here that the successful marriage pertner will benefit from taking advantage of the many opportunities to choose and seek a life based on meaningfulness. 
     

Seek A Meaningful Life, And Happiness Will Follow

Everyone faces this motivational question. You probably have guessed it by now, but these illustrations and examples introduce a new concept. Here is the next story: 

Two beautiful girls graduated from high school and searched for the good life. The responsibilites of parenthood soon fell upon Wilma. The other, named Sue, had a talent for art and design and found she could create, sew, and sell fashoinable clothes to "high- end" and very glamorous people.While Wilma struggled with a marriage, she dedicated her life to her children. After a second divorce with her second husband, she cared for her three children. Meanwhile, Sue had one child, but eventually chose to live unattached by marriage. She associated with a fast crowd, having boyfriends, alcohol, and drugs while living in exotic cities. 
    Now they are both old and still good friends. Eventually Wilma found that family and religion provided meaning for her life. She is the most cheerful person you could meet, filled with gratitude for the love and respect she recieves daily from her husband and many children, and even grandchildren. Sue, however was motivated more to seek life's pleasures not the meaning of life. Now she has no husband and only a distant son. Her life is hard now and as her beauty slips, she is trying to give up drinking and worries about the lack of sales and the difficulty of sewing with arthritic hands. If you saw them during their early twenties you likely would have concluded that seeking happienss through pleasure was the way to go. Unfortunately, it is hard to see at a young age that you can find pleasure from seeking a meaningful life, but not a meaning life through pleasure seeking. 

From Freud's Pleasure Principle to B.F.Skinner's Reinforcers The Driving Force in life is said to be hedonistic personal pleasure. It certainly doesn't require a Ph.D. to know that men like pleasure, and like all animals try to avoid pain. 
This fundamental truth was known from day one, and requires little time to recognize that each day you spend time trying to do more pleasurable things and want to spend less time doing things which are troublesome, painful, annoying and frustrating. This is a true and correct principle. It could be considered a basic law of human behavior. 
 But we also sometimes know we willingly accept a great deal of pain and difficulties to do something that we might consider meaningful. 
 One winter, you might have shoveled a neighbor's side walk because you thought it was s good thing to do. At the onset you knew and later it was confirmed that your face and fingers would become cold. You had discomfort of putting on and off your boots, and perhaps you even huffed and pıuffed, and felt muscle strain while exerting yourself. 
 An athlete in training experiences pain in physical workout. A father puts up with much unpleasantry working at a butcher shop in order to send his son or daughter to college. It is not hard to find examples of meaning trumping pain and pleasure. 
 Both living to maximize pleasure and living to find meaning in life and true descriptions of of the human condition. They are opposites, but they both operate in our lives. It is good to live a life of pleasure, even joy, as long as it is a solid and true principle. 
 The desire to first seek meaning and purpose in life is not meant to destroy or replace the pleasure principle, but it could be seen as a higher law. While both motivations are correct, you must choose for your life whether one or the other is more important. You will eventually choose to guide your life by one or the other. Nothing dooms a marriage faster than building it around each partner's personal pleasure. Each partner will soon find that all too often getting their pleasure takes away or interferes with their partner's way of increasing momentary pleasure. The simple word for this is selfihness. On the other hand, a marriage is unequalled in providing meaning and purpose for living, and especially living for another.          

It is the New Year

This post was written by Dena Jensen

 I like making goals and New Years Resolutions are not different. I like tracking my progression and I like the feeling I get when those goals are accomplished.

    I felt it appropriate that I write about my experiences with goal setting.

 There are some things I learned about goal setting, and this is all trial and error.

Keep your goals Clear and Simple.   The more complex your goal is, the more difficult to reach. It does not mean you can not obtain that goal, but, rather, you need to have little steps to get to the finish line. So, start off with the little simpler goals to get you through to the big goals.

Have a Clear Vision of your goal. I call it a Clear Vision. I don't know what you want to call it, but think of this. Think if you were in a car with a heavy rain storm and you need to turn on the windshield wipers to see your way. That is your clear vision. I say visualize yourself with that goal accomplished, and visualize what you are doing with your goals.  If it is getting fit, find a picture of a person running, and tape it to your refrigerator. Whatever your goal is, have a Clear Vision of your goal.

Surround yourself with Positive people and think good thoughts about yourself, and your goals.

 I have found when I have people that are positive source of energy in my life, things are easier and better and I feel like I can accomplish things better.

Keep a Goal Journal. This will help you track your goal and you can see on paper your improvements. Write your feelings and thoughts and write things that have inspired you to reach your goals. write your frustrations with your set back in the goal, and write your gratitude towards people that have helped you reach your goal.

Keep a P.M.A.    I call it P.M.A  Positive Mental Attitude. This one can be hard sometimes. In my humble opinion this one is the hardest for me. I say that because sometimes outside forces whether it be work, peers,and life... Happens. And, we can easily get discouraged and sometimes things look like the odds are against us. I have adopted the attitude that Nothing is Impossible. Things might be improbable, but not impossible. How do we keep a PMA? I know when things get hard or stressful for me, I watch funny movies, I look for humor. Humor has been my release. I also find myself surrounding myself with people that I trust that give me encouragement. I have a good family support and good friends. Find good people to support you emotionally

Never Never Never Give up. There are many stories of Athletes that have accomplished the impossible, and You can do it too.  One man I really really admired growing up was a simple man. He was not famous, and he was small in stature. But, he was a great man in my opinion. He had two words on his desk for years and years. Two words. "Do It" This man was loved by man people. He was a good family man and was always good and honest to all he came in to contact with. I recall "Do It" because I think about that when I feel like I have a hard time reaching my own goals.

    Now, I know that writing this seems easier than actually doing your goals. If you do not accomplish any this year, hey, don't get yourself down about it. Whatever your goals are, whatever you accomplish this year, may it be your best, happiest and joyful year yet.

I found this Article. Please read :)

Dear Friends, I found this article on a friends wall on Facebook and I wanted to share it with you on this webpage. I feel it is directly related to the topics we discuss in our Seven Beliefs To Change. Tell me what you think? Do you have Regrets? Do you have things you would like to change before you leave this life? Do you want to leave a legacy? How do you want to be remembered when you pass on?  Feel Free to comment! 

Top Five Regrets of The Dying

December 1, 2011 By T Kelly 60 Comments

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.  
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. 
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
 http://www.activistpost.com/2011/11/top-5-regrets-of-dying.html