This post was Written by Dena Jensen
I have had writer's block these last few weeks, and I apologize for that. I want to be better at posting more, and I need to be better at posting on here more. I am growing and learning.
Anyway, I have been thinking about this topic for sometime now. This is in no way pointing fingers. I have happened to want to talk right now specifically to you men.
In this world and in American Society, we have a big problem with over crowded Prisons and jails, we have a very pandemic problem with crimes and if you were to dig deep into the problems, you will find more than 60% of these people were raised in a home with out their fathers ever being in their life.
This, we can conclude, is scary. It is scary because we as adults have a responsibility to our future and we have a responsibility to our children in particular. With this said, I would like to write 10 Ways to Be A Better Father the order of which is not in any in particular. .
Be A Good Example
All children admire their dads. When we are little in the school yard, we brag about whose father is taller, stronger bigger, smarter, etc etc etc. I remember once a boy said to me,"My dad can beat up your dad". I was offended. Why would anyone want to beat up my dad? I said, "My dad has written more books than your dad"
Which was probably true, and to this day I do not know what his dad does, but, that to me was a more realistic argument.
Fathers need to be in their children's lives and at an early age, and a good example to their children. For you Fathers that do not get to see your children more than what court allows, you need to make the most of that. And never do anything that will make your child question your integrity later. Kids deserve a good example in their life and the best examples are their parents.
Be Humble
Love is not boastful. Sometimes parents will make mistakes now and then, we are only human. But, it is OK and even healthy for children to see that when an adult makes a mistake, they humble themselves and apologize. It is OK to apologize to a child now and then. It shows that you are willing to accept that you might be wrong now and then and that you will accept them if they make mistakes. Sometimes that is all it takes for a child. We can learn from ourselves and learn from our children when we have a bit of humility.
Be Involved
If you are a married father with your children in your home, this is optimum. But, sometimes this can not happen and moms and dads are more commonly divorced. Whatever the home situation is, you need to be involved in your child's life. Going to their games, talking to their teachers, being home for dinner, planning family activities with your children are just somethings you can do to be in your children's life. Other things such as helping your children with homework, teaching them how to drive, taking them on an errand, fixing the house or cars, cleaning the kitchen with your child after a meal, making a meal for the family, or simply going on a walk with your child are just other simple ways to get involved in your child's life. sometimes this will mean having to download "Skype" to video chat with them. Hey, Dad, that is better than no communication. They are wanting you to reach out to them. You are the parent, you need to be the one to do it.
Keep Family Ties/ Love Your Own Parents
The best way for your child to know about his/herself and you is for you to have a healthy good family relation with you and your own family. Grandparents in the USA actually do not have parental rights to their grand children so in a divorce if the divorce is very bitter, the grandparents are caught in a pretty sad battle and usually the losing side and rarely seeing the grand-kids. On the rare occasion there are families that are not a good influence, and the grandparents are not a good example in the children's life, of course, we say there needs to be an emancipation of the family. In the most part, families are not bad. Keep in contact and good relations with those family members that are good and healthy and provide a healthy relationship with your children.
Be Gentle
I have noticed that it is usually the father in the home that is more of the disciplinary and the mother is the one saying "Wait til your father gets home"! And that is supposed to be a threat to the child to straighten up and do what they are told or dad will come home and handle them. I do not think this is fair and sometimes it works. But, dad's when in reality do you want to come home after a hard day's work and discipline the kids? Dads need to learn to hand over the discipline to the mom and the dad's need to be more like the mom and have the fun time with the kids. I am not saying children should not have discipline, but use a balance. And never ever physical discipline. My dad was good with using weed pulling and yard work as a discipline. Mom would just send us to our room, as a time out. However, I loved being in my room more than being out of it o dad developed the pulling weeds idea for me. For every minute I was snarky to my parents, I got 5 minute of weed pulling. It added up fast as a teen. But, It was a good way to get out some upset emotions I had, and good exercise and a good way to get the yard clean. However, mom and dad were very gentle with me and still are. Kids learn better with someone guiding them, not hitting them or belittling them.
Be Honest
Children need honesty. Sometimes there needs to be private and quiet discussions that are age appropriate. If your child is an adult, honesty, but discretion. I happened to see a friend of a friend's wall on Facebook on Mother's Day. I was astonished and yet grateful. I was astonished on what this mother had on her wall, and grateful she was not my friend on Facebook nor in person. Her whole life was right there on Facebook for the world to see. She was fighting with her husband and both herself and husband were posting everything publicly. Honesty is so important however, sometimes, even when you are fighting with your wife and very angry, go behind a closed door and quietly work it out together, and not using any Social Network as a means of handling the situation. Your kids will thank you in the long run.
Be Wise
Be wise with your money and time you spend with your children. Be wise with your friendships and how you handle life's situations. Your children watch you and follow your footsteps. They admire you and they want to be like you. Be wise with how you speak of others and how you conduct your life.
Spend Time
My dad would take me on "Father Daughter Dances" and "Daddy Dates" when I was 10, and all the way through my teen age years. We would go on family rides in the canyon, fishing, walks, vacations, spend family time together. Once a week, in fact, every Monday Night we had in our home "Family Home Evening". This is when mom and dad or one of us kids would pick a topic that we would talk about. Honesty, Integrity, The Meaning Of Christmas, The True Meaning of Easter, Faith, Value of Prayer... It was one hour of us learning a new Virtue. After wards, mom would go in the kitchen and make a dessert while we would have "Family Council" This is when we would all talk about the week, what we were planning for the next month as far as car usage, family rules we needed to go over, if there were any announcements to make, they were made then, ideas for other family activities would be planned then. We talked and socialized during Dinner too. Every night dad would get home if he did not have an evening class and we would have dinner at 6:00 pm every night. That was a time for us to talk about our day. Those things will always be in my heart and mind. Especially Family Home Evening.
Give Freedom
Children want discipline but they also want independence. Once your child gradually grows and develops, you will see ways in which that child will need their freedom. This is natural and a part of growing and becoming their own individual human. It is natural for a parent to not want a child to suffer the same way they did. It is natural for a parent to say things such as, "Don't make the same mistakes I did!" I was involved with a discussion once where a mother whose daughter is so very talented with music and vocal skills. I mean... I am in awe. The daughter wants to go to a University where she can grow musically but her mother is insistent she follow another path. Not allowing this girl the freedom to pursue the dream of going to a Music University will just lead for resentment. Of course there is the fear that she may not get in. Which is not her mother's fear. Her mother's fear is that she will not be happy and that she will have a life full of drugs because many musicians are on drugs. Her mom wants her to pursue something more "Academic".
Well, to this I say, the mother needs to give this young lady a little more independence. Parents need to realize that children have their own dreams and their own talents and abilities.
Be Loving
Be kind and loving to everyone. Do not let your kids know you have a disdain for your ex-wife and her family. Be kind to your children and speak good words about people. Your children will trust you and love you more and feel more accepted by you if you are kind to others and say good things and stay positive about the world around you. Children need love, and you as a father are the perfect one to give them love. Sometimes it is hard to give a hug to a child. Start with patting them on the shoulder or back. Praise them when they do something good or something you like. Give them kind words of love when they are with you and always let them know you love them. I know many people who have sadly, ended their marriage in divorce. I have seen either side speak so badly of the other parent. This will damage the children and make the wounds of divorce even deeper. If parents are not divorced, then they should never ever speak badly about the other parent. There is never good that will come of this. Never speak harshly to your child either. Children need to hear good words from their dads. Hug your children. Tell them you love them, tell them how important they are in your life. You will be pleasant surprised the blessings that will be returned to you;and your children deserve to have the best of you.
Well, this is my list. If you father's have anything else to contribute or if you have a good experience with your children you would like to share with us, please post it.
To all the good healthy fathers out there that have been loving and good and kind to your children, good work! Keep up the good life you are giving your children!
I hope you all continue to read my blog, and I will continue to write or have my dad write for more information on Growth and Change.
