It's Easier To Forgive The Big Mistakes

    Mary was prepared or at least willing to forgive Ted of potential mistakes because that was the Christ-Like thing to do for a good Christian woman that she wanted to be. She thought about how she could do this if he were unfaithful, or if he made some other big mistake. After much thought, she decided she could. She would forgive him of unfaithfulness or some other equally serious mistake. However, as we look in on Mary's life, we notice something very contradictory. 
  
    Mary is a stickler on manners and social graces. Ted falls short here and Mary needs to constantly remind him of his shortcomings in this area, ted also purchased a boat with money that would have been better spent on carpet, and he has never heard the last on it. Ted also accepted a job that later paid much less than expected and Mary constantly reminds him of this mistake. She also cannot tolerate his failures in many other little things. Well, this listing could go on, but as you can clearly see that for Mary it is harder to be forgiving of little daily mistakes than the big ones. Well, we may not have to forgive any real big mistakes but the little ones are sure to come. 

Having a long term memory is usually seen as an advantage in human relationships. We want to intellectually be aware of past tendencies in the other person so that negative experiences can be avoided or prevented in the future. But, if people are to change for the better they need to be believed and accepted in their changed form. Retaining the past is a definite detriment to this. Excellent and scholarly books have been written on the psychological benefits of forgiveness. It seems very clear from the studies that better relationships emerge when there is forgiving of errors. 
   Change is much more possible and other elements helpful to positive relationships such as love and trust emerge when forgiveness, rather than a lasting memory is present. 

Use As Little Power As Possible

Imagine two men who were married the same day and unknowingly moved into the same neighborhood. they and their brides were about the same age and background. Jake was a strong and powerful man who used a loud voice and definite gestures to communicate what he wanted from his wife and would consistently follow though with ample rewards or negative reactions. 

Mike on the other hand also had similar expectations but used little social, personal, emotional, of physical power, even in voice or communication, to bring about what he wanted from his wife. You might guess that Jake's wife was a little more on task to say the least. It would seem that Mike would have little less influence on his wife and success in bringing about what he wanted in marriage. 

But, when a marriage is evaluated in terms of devotion, dedication, and the feeling of togetherness the results look very different after many years. 

In your opinion would Mike's relationship built on low emotional, persuasive, or physical power prove to be more rewarding and require less effort to maintain in the long run? It just occurred to me that you might even like Mike's approach for the short term. 
      We sometimes describe a person in positive terms as being powerful. These are people who have at their disposal wealth, influence, and other ways to either subtly or directly force others into doing their will. 
     In relationships, we also see this as a person who is dominant in the relationship.  and can use their many powers, including subtle ones of verbal persuasion, and emotion to influence and relate. This individual is often considered the successful person. 
     A researcher analyzed all the parenting techniques and the outcomes associated with them. A general conclusion emerged. It was that the use of low power by parents was associated with more positive outcomes in children. The reason for this may not entirely clear, but part of it is due to the better relationship that emerge when the relationship is not based on using power to influence one another. 
     The successful parents relied on low power methods such as sharing feelings, mutual problem solving, and developing consideration for the well being of the other. This finding will apply to all human relationships. So, in relationships, use as little power as possible. 
      

What Have You Done For Others?

Your best experiences will be what you did for others not what others did for you

In some marriages it seems like a constant tally is taken to makes sure that one marriage partner has not done more for the other then they have received from the other. This whole notion of keeping score is turned upside down by the words of this woman written to a newspaper about someone's complaint of a wife "waiting on" her husband. She described herself in this way:

"A young couple got married in 1937. Mike worked the third shift for the railroad. He would come in at 7 a.m. to do odd jobs around the house, fix the old car, do everything but go to bed. Finally, at about 4 p.m. he'd crawl into the sack, and then it took an atomic bomb to wake him u so he could go to work. Rosie would plead, "Honey, give me your feet, I'll put your socks on for you." "By now it was 1947 and four children later. Rosie never told anyone how many times she had put on Mike's socks. The number came to about 15,000. Ann, that wife was me. I will soon be 75. Mike has been dead for 10 years. I would give anything if I could put on his socks just one more time."  Rosie (Ann Landers, June 1991)

A wonderful book read by millions is, "How to Make Friends and Influence People". Referring more to the title than the content of this excellent book, it may be better to think: "How to be a Friend and Serve Others". The way our society is organized requires the service of others in maintaining automobiles,typing our reports, fixing our appliances, and everything else. We tend to seek service from others and find that the successful person is the one who is able to have others do as much as possible in the way of service for him or her. 
Service, however, can be seen as something one can desire to do, and one becomes a better person through the performance of service. Thus, giving service to others is to be sought. It is more important to serve others than finding ways to have other serve us through obligation or repayment. If you visit with an old person and they reflect on what were their best years, their best experiences, you will hear not a description of what others did for them but an account of what they did for others.  

Love Better

Again, as mentioned before, there is no substitute for learning through personal experience. So, let us use your experience to answer questions about marriage. Let us also learn by choosing among alternatives for in almost all things there is and opposite; good and bad, strong and weak, ugly and beautiful, honest and dishonest, true and false. These never- ending differences can lead to oversimplifications, rigidity and dogmatism if approached intellectually. But, truly they cannot be ignored, for opposites constantly appear in life and just a study of any language will show that adjectives have opposites and are essential in making sense of the world. 

There are several ways we can interpret the opposites that we inevitably encounter. We could choose to deny their existence, but obviously, that will not lead to much wisdom. 
   The second approach would be to choose between the opposites, but to qualify our choices by considering where, when, and in what context we make the choice. For example: Is hot better than cold? Is loud better than quiet? Tact better than honesty? Well, you might say to these, "It just depends." It certainly does depend on where, when, and with whom or what you are dealing with. 
   Sometimes we must make a choice and act and at other times, we can choose both of the opposites. For example, in one of the choices you are asked if you think people are free agents, or determined by heredity and environment. The difference or choice is between defined logical opposites, but it is true that sometimes a person could be a free agent and at other times mostly determined by heredity and environment. 

   There are many choices before you regarding your marriage. They include: Should I change others for the better and/or accept others as they are? Is it better to be tolerant and/or to love? Is is better to receive and/or to give service? Should I use high power and/or low power when relating? Is it more important to remember the past and/or to forgive and forget?  Should I use others to help me and/or to help without expecting anything in return? 

   The value of  making choices among opposites is that it leads us to greater learning. At this time, you may still be skeptical about whether you are the best person to make these choices but to give it a try. You will find it more interesting, enjoyable,and more yielding of truth than being told what to believe.